With b-feeding my baby, that is.
So yes, it's past midnight right now as I type, but what am I doing? I am PUMPING after working a short shift at the hospital tonight - which is supposed to end at 11:30pm but inevitably ends much later than that - and I leave STILL feeling like I need to tie up loose ends. Anyway, so I come home ready to hit the sack, when I realize I really HAVE to pump - so I don't wake up in the middle of the night dying of pain from "the girls".
Okay, so let me take you back a month or so ago when I went on my fun weekend with my fun friends from high school. I "pumped" the whole time to be a good mom and keep nursing my baby until he is a year old.
What I didn't know was that I would have one (stop reading if you don't like hearing girly female stuff details) cracked, bleeding, PAINFUL nipple from the pumping trauma. I kept putting stuff on it to make it heal, tried just pumping, tried just nursing. Nope - each time I nurse it hurts - bad - and yes, still sometimes bleeds.
To make matters worse, my baby will NOT focus and nurse unless it's first thing in the morning or last thing at night - so I have ended up pumping during the day.
Can you tell I was DETERMINED????? I wanted to be one of those moms that nurses their baby for a YEAR!!! No matter what I had to go through, I would do it! (With Kami I lasted about 9 months, but lost my milk & she wasn't growing, so I had to stop)Even if it meant cringing every time he latched on that cracked, bleeding side and I wanted to scream in pain. Even if it meant pumping during the day.
Last night was the LAST straw.
He has not been sleeping the best at night - waking up a lot - I don't really know why - but he has. And the only thing most of the time that gets him back to bed QUICK is a little mommy nursing time. But last night I think he was having a belly ache or something, and wouldn't settle down. He didn't want a bottle, or to be cuddled, so I try b-feeding him and he just screams! It was kind of dark so I couldn't see what was going on - but I look down and see blood coming out of his mouth - so I get a tissue thinking he hurt his mouth or something.
Oh no, that blood was MINE!
So, that was it. I am DONE!!! Over a month of this painful, cracked/bleeding thing, pumping during the day, not nursing good thing has overtaken my desire to be one of "those" moms that checks it off her list of doing in her life - nursing my baby for a year.
Anyway, can you tell I feel kind of guilty about it?
Well, I'm sure he'll survive (I do have like a month of frozen milk in the freezer), and I'm sure I'll get over the guilt once I no longer have to PUMP!!!! I mean, he is turning one in december, so that's close enough.
So here is to having no more blood coming out of my baby's mouth!
(It's kind of liberating to be perfectly honest)
p.s. I promise I will post some fun pics of the fall festivities SOON! (that stuff is way more interesting anyway)